Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
Posted by ProfShade at 12:39 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Vietnamese Leader to Touch Capitalists
On a dare from the Vietnamese Central Committee, Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai has come to the United States to touch capitalists.
"We don't think he has the guts," said Nom-Bang-Tre, President of the Vietnamese Communist Party. Especially daunting is the Prime Minister's meeting with Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft.
"With over 10 million pirated copies of Windows XP floating around Ho Chi Minh City alone, Gates has an opportunity to have a profitable day when he presents an invoice to the Prime Minister," said a spokeperson for Microsoft.
It is rumored the Prime Minister must touch at least 12 capitalists in a 24-hour period to win his bet with the Vietnamese Communist Party.
"CNN reporters or Senate Democrats don't count," said Nom-Bang-Tre. "But we'll give him double points for a back-slap with Sumner Redstone."
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Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
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World Naked Bike Ride
OK, so now it seems that any social cause at all is reason to flaunt your nude body in public. The latest is the World Naked Bike Ride to protest the dependence on fossil fuel. (Warning, may not be safe for work...)
So I can see riding bikes in protest of oil. Makes aesthetic sense. But nude bike riding? C'mon.
According to the site (of course they have a site!) "We face automobile traffic with our naked bodies as the best way of defending our dignity and exposing the unique dangers faced by cyclists and pedestrians as well as negative consequences we all face due to the dependence on oil, and other forms of non-renewable energy."1
I've been an avid cyclist for over 20 years, and here's just a few 'unique dangers' nude cyclists are really facing:
It is good to see, however, that as the cyclists seem to have no regard for the safety of their respective genitals and breasts, most are wearing helmets. I guess cranial injury is one 'unique danger' they are not willing to risk for the cause.
1. Grammarian's note: this is the grossest example of faulty parallel sentence structure ever witnessed in left-wing, babble-speak prose.
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Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
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Saddam Signs Lucrative Deal with Hanes
Official SpokesModel for Captain America Underoos
Posted by ProfShade at 03:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Summers Simmers in New Sultry Threads
Boston, MA - Harvard president Larry Summers has taken on a new $50 million make-over after being roundly criticized for his comments on the differences between men and women. "How could I have been so wrong? Do you know how simply divine a full silk blouse feels against your skin?" he asked reporters, modelling his latest threads. The multi-million dollar wardrobe also includes fully redundant diversity positions at the University, as well as new training in makeup application for men. "I still am having difficulties with lip gloss," Summers added. "Who knew it took such manual dexterity to get the right effect."
Posted by ProfShade at 11:41 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Michelle has a honkin' horde o' link on this story...
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Rumsfeld Closes Arkansas
Washington, D.C.- In addition to advocating the closing of 33 military bases across the U.S., Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced the government would close the entire state of Arkansas as well. "We'll save millions. And most people living their won't notice a damned thing," added the Secretary. The Pentagon said in a related statement that this was a forward-looking project. "We figure the next step may be combining North and South Dakota. Who the hell knows the difference unless they live there?" asked an anonymous Pentagon analyst. Iowa could not be reached for comment. Also under consideration is selling off mid-sized cities in Ohio. "Cleveland, Cincinnati, Columbus. They all start with the letter 'C', they all have the same damned donut shops and malls, and they sure were a pain in the ass during the last election," Rumsfeld continued.
Posted by ProfShade at 01:47 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
Sneezin' Suzie's Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
UPDATED
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'Start Me Up' Tour Announced
AP- New York, NY- Holding a press conference at the Juliard School of Music in New York, the Rolling Stones announced their 'Start Me Up' 2005 tour. Mick Jagger, perennial rocker for the the world's oldest rock 'n roll band, said they are using the tour to introduce their 'Start Me Up' Rolling Stones at-home defibrillator.
"Charlie's used this bugger about six or seven times last year," said Mick, "So we stand behind the quality." The Stones' 'Start Me Up' Defrib will be sold exclusively through Virgin Records, and comes with a bonus Stones DVD, all for just $159.
'Start Me Up' Tour Dates:
Mayo Clinic June 11
Loyola Medical June 14
Johns Hopkins June 18
Cincinnati Heart Hospital June 20
Indianapolis Cardiac Care June 30-July 4
University of Chicago Hospitals All of August
Posted by ProfShade at 10:01 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
Butt-Ugly Lemur Proves Darwin's Theory
"I mean, c'mon," said Dr. Frank Medalius, zoology professer at Rutgers. "If God were a hands-on Creationist kinda guy, would He ever allow this kind of creature to suck air? ...unless He were on 'shrooms or something. Then all bets are off."
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Bush Test-Fires Hand-Held SDI
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Weird Science
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Perspective
So I wake up to the dog puking on the carpet... Again. (Eating too many grass clippings.)...my son complaining that I'm packing him a corned beef sandwich for the third day in a row for lunch... this cold, a virus created in the bowels of Hades itself with the resolve and fortitude of an Amway distributor, clings to every mucous membrane in my head...I forgot to sign the damned field trip permission slip and wash the Little League uniform...but crap. Get your heads around this, Moms and Dads. And some Mom and Dad somewhere raised that soldier right...
(h/t Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller)
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Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
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A Tin Ear, Forked Tongue and Memory Loss...
According to Teddy, in a press release from his office this week:
"...top officials in the Administration have endorsed interrogation methods that we've condemned in other countries, including binding prisoners in painful "stress" positions, threatening them with dogs, extended sleep deprivation, and simulated drownings1."
1. As opposed to the real deal.
Posted by ProfShade at 08:40 AM | Comments (13) | TrackBack
European A380 Airbus Lifts Off
The massive, European A380 went on its maiden flight. Largely funded by France, it's positioned as a 'Boeing' killer.
We have a detailed cutaway diagram of the aircraft here.
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Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'
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RIP Lil' Oscar
It was always about this time of year-- one day in early to late Spring-- that my grammar school hallways would fill with the smell of steaming buns and boiling hot dogs. At lunch we'd line up for Oscar Meyer hot dogs, twenty-five cents a piece, then filter out onto the playground and wait for the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile to arrive. Lil' Oscar would jump out, wave to the crowd of nitrate-bloated kids, and we'd file past the Wiener mobile to receive our very own Oscar Meyer Wiener Whistles, a constant annoyance to parents, teachers and neighborhood dogs.
Lil' Oscar, George Molchan, dead at the age of 82.
h/t Barking Moonbat Early Warning System
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Quick Takes
John McCain may run for President in '08, but aren't you glad he wasn't Commander in Chief during the Cold War? No doubt he'd have tipped his hand right after inauguration and said, "Nukes? Naw, we'll never use 'em." Lapses like his make me wonder he isn't the real Manchurian Candidate. Still, no word from Barbara Boxer whether she'll swap a supra-majority vote on justices for a re-written Constitution which calls for a supra-majority to elect U.S. Senators. Just seems fair to me.
Ted Nugent addressed the national convention of the NRA in Houston this weekend, espousing such politically incorrect sentiments as shooting rapists, child molesters and burglars. If he were a tenured faculty member at an Ivy league school there would be an immediate inquiry. Since, thankfully, he isn't an academic, the only punishment that can be meted out on poor Ted is for liberals to burn their copies of Cat Scratch Fever. But burning vinyl or CDs probably violates some EPA guideline. Quite a quandary there. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson couldn't be reached for comment.
Tom DeLay is fighting off Dems like a horde of unruly locusts nibbling at his ears. Why not let the Dems investigate? It'll give Shumer, Frank and Feinstein something to do. Who knows, maybe they'll be too busy to filibuster judicial nominations? And make a sweet deal-- investigate DeLay's trips if Congress can investigate trips by all congressmen. That ought to be fun for all. Nothing like a little non-partisan navel gazing to set things straight for the public.
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Three Signs of Armageddon
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Too many Fools, so little time
Next up on the city council is how to regulate the dispersal of rainfall. Someone's smoking too much medical marijuana...
h/t InstaPundit.
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Jane's Only Regrets
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Breaking: Pope On Feeding Tube
VATICAN CITY — Pope John Paul II is getting nutrition from a tube in his nose, the Vatican said Wednesday, shortly after the frail pontiff appeared at his window in St. Peter's Square and managed only a rasp when he tried to speak.
_________
A Vatican spokesman went on to assert emphatically that Michael Schiavo is not the Pope's legal guardian despite wide-spread rumors in the media.
Posted by ProfShade at 11:22 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Working Conditions
I just pushed back my chair from the desk and heard a repeated, annoying squeak-squeak-squeak only to find I'd rolled over the neck of a diminutive, three-inch Norwegian field mouse. It took me three swats from a January issue of Reason Magazine to put it out of its misery. Yeah, there's lots of symbolism there, along with the splotch of mouse death throe puke left on the carpet. But living outside of Chicago, we take this as a routine sign of Spring. Send Carpet Fresh and donuts ASAP, please.
Posted by ProfShade at 01:24 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
Quick Takes
Jesse Jackson's a busy boy; after a radio interview with Michael Jackson, he held a prayer for Terri with the Schindlers. Stange bedfellows? Don't go there, on any level, in either scenario. You'll go blind.
Kofi Annan says 'hell no' to suggestions he'll resign from the U.N. The way he sees it, only a firing will yield a generous severance package and a lucrative made-for-Al-Jazeera mini-series. Cashing those stashed oil vouchers will be less problematic as well.
John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Michael Moore, Dick Durbin, Alec Baldwin, Cameron Diaz, Margaret Cho, John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Linda Ronstadt, Babs Streisand and Lyndon Johnson have not said anything stupid in nearly three weeks. Yeah, I know, that's redundant. It's a concerted conspiracy to thwart right-wing humor, damit. At least LBJ has an excuse.
Posted by ProfShade at 12:18 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Living Will
With all the Schiavo angst in the air we're scrunched uncomfortably closer on the lumpy sofa of life to our own mortality, and I think that's what raises the hairs on the backs of our necks. That and a good tongue in the ear. So of course we think about these dilemmas in personal terms. Speaking for myself, and going over the laminated 'Rules' card I keep in my wallet, that's the only person I'm technically capable of speaking for, I'm sure I'm a mere half dozen Burger King Black Angus' from lying flat on my back with a feeding tube down my throat as well. Poetic justice that. And being the ornery, sarcastic twit my family has learned to love and loathe over the years, I know it will come as no surprise to them that I am publicly now stating that they should never pull the plug on me. Spare no expense. What is home refinancing for, anyway, you selfish louts? Like we really need another college education in the family. Where has that gotten any of us? And lest I forget to pile on the guilt, remember that very expensive trip to Wisconsin Dells I shelled out for? It was go-kart rides and Polish buffets for weeks, as I recall...As long as there is a fly speck on the ceiling of a second-rate nursing home worth contemplating for months on end, I would consider myself in Zen-like rapture. Even listening to Bow-Flex infomercials on the hospital bed TV will be a vacuous vacation from the PC-talk crap I have to deal with daily in academia. Augment my tube food with peanut butter and Absolut Citron. I already live on that now. For these simple pleasures I promise you can come to my bedside and reproach me for days on end and not get my typical acid-tongued retorts-- view my unresponsive state as long-term catharsis for the emotional wounds I've inflicted on you over the years. A sort of free-fire bitch zone. You are encouraged to make goofy faces at me. I'll even allow you to put those phony-nose and mustache Groucho glasses on me. But I draw the line at Camen Miranda headgear. I'll take your confessions, too, without word or judgment, just a head loll and lung hack now and then. About what you get now, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's quality of life in a nutshell. And Sherri, I already know about that one-night-stand with the Mass Pike toll-booth dude, so when it's time, cut to the chase about what you did with the tuition money I fronted you in '94...in the meantime, when the inevitable occurs, I expect each and every one of you to honor my wishes: Skippy Super Chunk. And I don't give a damn if you have to force it down the tube with pipe cleaners each and every night.
Posted by ProfShade at 12:09 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Episode 2
[Catch up with Episode 1 here: The Birth of a Cabal]
Part Two: The Secret Significance of Cigars, Bauxite and Milton Berle
1948-1952
1948-Stalin runs out of cigars, and when Eisenhower refuses to send a fresh box of Macanudos, the puppet Russian leader, out of spite, sends Communism Starter Kits to China and Korea, but forgets to include pledge cards or gulags.
Meanwhile, Truman signs the Marshall Plan into effect after convincing Congress it is the best way to insure an indolent and resentful Europe in the years to come. An obscure Senator named Charlie McCarthy nearly blocks the Plan by filibustering for the construction of television towers and soda shops across Europe.
Eisenhower supports Harry Truman's re-election as President after kidnapping Truman's secret love child, the result of an affair with a Communist ballerina [see: Episode 1]. The imprisoned waif is held hostage at a casino in Cuba; she in turn gives birth to a baby boy whom she names Lee Harvey. The boy is adored by Fidel Castro, his father, who is a casino worker and itinerant carnie barker. Castro teaches the young boy the art of long-range sniper rifling and cigar rolling. With Truman's love-child in his hip pocket and all of Europe erecting thought control TeeVee towers, Ike invades Jamaica to secure the strategically important bauxite mines on that island for the mass production of aluminum foil. Jamaica does not notice.
1949-With a gun pointed squarely at Truman's temple, just above his right eyebrow, Eisenhower insures that Truman signs the Unified Defense Bill which grants Eisenhower the power to kill anyone he wants, anywhere in the world, especially if any of them get all whiny and crap.
J. Edgar Hoover, while still playing bitch-slave to Ike [see: homo FBI director, Episode 1] ramps up his use of the Mafia to instill fear into the hearts and minds of local law enforcement officials and pave the way for Hollywood moguls to make a whole new genre of films involving 'gangsters.' This is provident as the Charlie Chan series had begun to flag at the box office. In gratitude for his contributions to the film industry, 429 directors, producers and writers sign blank pledge cards and donate the entire wardrobe from Gone with the Wind to J. Edgar. However, Miss Scarlet's ballroom gown needs major alterations before it is useful to Hoover.
Truman introduces civil rights legislation into Congress, which finally makes baseball possible.
1950-The nine Hitler-bred babies [see: Hitler, garlic press, Episode 1] are leading the lives of normal American children in towns in California, Illinois, Michigan and Texas. Only one, living in Hyannis Port, seems peculiar, requiring a fifth of scotch whisky per day to survive.
Eisenhower convinces Truman to create the hydrogen bomb because it sounds cool.
1951-Truman takes a two-year nap.
1952-Truman wakes up to discover Communism is in Korea and sends boats over there to fuck around with things while the U.N. hastily writes something called 'resolutions.'
With his puppet empire of Communism on the rise as a forceful wedge into the soft TeeVee-numbed mush of the American mind [see: Milton Berle mind control, Episode 1] and an ineffectual and dickless Democrat president [see: sexually transmitted castration, Episode 1] running out his second term, the Secret Emperor of the World, Dwight D. Eisenhower, sees a chance to consolidate the power of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
….next episode, The Emperor Strikes Back…
Posted by ProfShade at 12:22 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
Instant Internet Gannon Rebuttal Exclusive at Protein Wisdom
Goldstein has an exclusive interview with Jeff Gannon's "8-inch cut" manhood. Seems Mr. Gannon left out a significant part of the whole story. I mean. Really. Where would the story be without it?
UPDATE: Kudos to RightWingSparkle for fending off moonbats almost single-handedly in the Jeff Gannon interview post comment section below. Will someone give her a hand before one of the bats gets caught ih her hair?
Posted by ProfShade at 06:13 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
Straight To Video
The latest hilarious hijinks at the U.N. are an indication that:
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History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Part One: The Birth of a Cabal
1943 – It began in the final days of World War II. Eisenhower, commandeering Der Furher’s suicide bunker in Berlin, uses a garlic press to extract sperm from Adolph Hitler’s remaining testicle and smuggles the smut to U.S. military scientists in King of Prussia, PA. A dozen unsuspecting war widows are impregnated during routine gynecological exams throughout the continental U.S.
1944 – Of the twelve original Hitler mothers, only eight give birth to full-term babies. Three miscarry, and one is aborted by a maid in the pantry of a Hyannis Port mansion, the desperate mother using only a lizard’s tail and a liberal douche of 20-year-old-scotch to abort the fetus. It’s evil twin, however, unbeknownst to the mother, survives in the womb and later drops from between her legs while she’s ironing her hairshirts in the mansion's servant's quarters. The baby boy slithers off unnoticed, in search of whisky.
Ike and Churchill create Communism in Yalta by slipping Joseph Stalin 50 bucks, a box of cigars and a white slave named Natasha. Great Britain still owes us for their half of the cigars.
1945—At the close of the war, Eisenhower secretly declares himself ‘Emperor of the World’ and informs all U.S. intelligence agencies that they will report directly to him or face the same fate as the Third Reich, Tojo, Mussolini and Mamie. This is made expediently easy as J. Edgar Hoover,director of the FBI, is enthralled and enamored by Ike’s command of the Allied Forces, and becomes Eisenhower’s bitch -slave. Hoover turns over all incriminating photos, files and tapes on virtually every public official in the U.S. to ‘Emperor’ Ike. These files are still kept in Salt Lake City, disguised as the mammoth ‘genealogy’ project of the Mormon Church. Special glasses, created by Dr. Polaroid, are required to read these files; otherwise they look like normal birth records and credit card tithing receipts. Truman has a vague feling something is amiss, but chalks it up to neuralgia and latent Communist yearnings.
An escaped fascist scientist from Italy is coerced by Ike to invent thought machines for the broad dissemination of total mind control over the populace of the world. Ike is distraught it only projects in black-and-white and sentences him to become J. Edgar Hoover’s life-long handmaiden.
Meanwhile, J. Edgar Hoover senses Ike is gaining too much power and develops the ‘Mafia,’ and with the aid of his Italian scientist-cosmetologist-servant, performs sartorial and linguistic miracles by doing an extreme makeover on the ‘Dead End Kids,’ whose careers had been sagging since it was discovered Huntz Hall ate three to six live babies for breakfast each day. The made-over ‘Kids’ are dispatched to major cities to begin racketeering as soon as possible.
After having sex with a Russian ballerina, Truman’s penis turns bright red and falls off—the U.N. is born.
1946 – Aluminum foil is invented to protect Emperor Ike’s Elite Guard from the numbing rays of his thought machines. Prototype machines are shipped to Chicago and New York where initial test subjects become listless, sexless and obese. Ike is pleased. Television advertising agencies, a deep cover for mind-control content development, are hatched on Madison Avenue, the neural hub of Ike’s most powerful transmitters. The public launch of these ‘televisions’ is delayed as Hoover and Ike argue over creative differences and whether to use lavalier or boom microphones in the studio. In the end, Hoover wins a pyrrhic victory and installs his transvestite brother, Milton Berle, as its chief talent and clandestine operator.
1948 – When Truman is distracted by a loud noise in the basement of the White House, Eisenhower creates ‘Jews’ and sets up the puppet state of ‘Israel.’ Truman, suddenly perceiving an imbalance in the world order, retaliates by creating ‘Palestinians,’ but has nowhere to put them.
…to be continued…
Posted by ProfShade at 08:51 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
Six hours on the interstate in the rain and this is what crosses your mind
Posted by ProfShade at 11:12 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
New Attack Sub to Be Commissioned
Given its name, it will carry no missiles or torpedoes...it's sole mission? Calling on all major foreign ports apologizing for being an attack sub...
Posted by ProfShade at 12:19 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
al-Zarqawi Screams of Media Bias
Lefty Blogosphere Mobilized to 'Out' al-Jazeera Journalists
"After we posted a statement (claiming responsibility) ... we found that Al-Jazeera tried to alter the facts and attributed to us (something) we didn't say," said the statement that appeared on an Internet site used as a clearing house for extremist Islamic material."We didn't say in our statement that we targeted the mosque, but that we targeted the infidel guards, and we hit them directly."
It also accused the Qatar-based Al-Jazeera of falsifying the report in a bid to "flatter the Americans" and interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi's government.
Josh Marshall promised swift retribution for what he termed "an obvious attempt by the BushChimpHitler administration to alter the nature of reality-based news coverage in the Middle East."
Daily Kos has already uncovered prominent links between Middle Eastern smut factories and the owners of the Qatar-based pan-Arab news agency. It is also alleged press passes were issued to nearly all al-Jazeera 'journalists' without first getting direct approval from DNC chair Howard Dean. "Isn't it curious how these al-Jazeera types always seem to cover only news in the Middle East? And never anywhere like, say, Crawford, Texas? Do you think they're using their real names, if you can spell them, and did they ever touch men 'down there?'"
Oliver Willis, fresh from laundering protein wisdom stains from his jammies, wondered aloud, "Just who the hell side are these Fox News wannabes on, anyway?"
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Rhymes with Treason
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Rhymes with Treason
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Stewart Ready to Meet Stewart
Lynne F. Stewart, an outspoken lawyer known for representing a long list of unpopular defendants, was convicted yesterday by a federal jury in Manhattan of aiding Islamic terrorism by smuggling messages out of jail from a terrorist client.In a startlingly sweeping verdict, Ms. Stewart was convicted on all five counts of providing material aid to terrorism and of lying to the government when she pledged to obey federal rules that barred her client, Sheik Omar Abdel Rahman, from communicating with his followers. Her co-defendants, Ahmed Abdel Sattar and Mohamed Yousry, were also convicted of all the charges against them.1
Ms. Stewart's main line of defense was that she believed she was passing love notes between Yousry and his 231 lovers. "These radical Islamists are known for their outspoken virility," she testified. "Who am I to stand in the way of unpopular love?"
"I see myself as being a symbol of what people rail against when they say our
civil liberties are eroded," she said to a small cluster of her supporters
outside the federal district courthouse. "I hope this will be a wake-up call to
all the citizens of this country, that you can't lock up the lawyers, you can't
tell the lawyers how to do their jobs."
"...unless you pay us cash. If it's cash up-front we'll strip down to our undies, crawl around on all fours and bark like a dog if you want us to. But this 'no aiding terrorism' bullshit has to stop."
Ms. Stewart went on to make other startingly sweeping statements by saying she was also a symbol of the results of non-organic farming in third-world dictatorships, an icon of repressed womanhood in a hegemonic neo-colonial society and will appear next month as the Miss March centerfold in Jihadboy magazine.
Meanwhile, Martha Stewart, in a statement released by her unpopular attorneys said she had a pillow all fluffed up and waiting for Lynne, no relation. "And I'll share my jasmine soap," the domestic diva-turned-felon added.
1. New York Times
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He's Jewish and He's Funny--Vote, Damn-it!
Jeff Goldstein at Protein Wisdom is in a cliff-hanger election as 'Best Jewish Humor Blog.' Please lend him your support. Dip your finger in ink or Kosher wine and get out the vote....
Posted by ProfShade at 01:40 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Full Disclosure and Offer of Resignation
Before my private life is publicly 'outed' at the Daily Kos due to my political affiliations, I felt it prudent though painful to fully disclose my sexual and secret Internet activities before they became an onerous embarrassment to my fellow bloggers here at Lifelike Pundits.
Here wit:
I harbor an intense and unhealthy fascination with Gillian Anderson and have been forcibly removed from the gates of her home after a starvation vigil in her honor
My girlfriend owns handcuffs, although we've never used them
For a three-year period beginning in 1983 I subscribed to 'Jugs' magazine
I am the Webmaster at Lesbian Sex Mafia
My son runs a Web site for trading Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Although I write under the pseudonym ProfShade, my real name is Wink Martindale
I have never applied for a White House Press Corps pass, but if I did receive one I'd ask Scott McClellan, "Who does your suits?"
I hope this public disclosure is satisfying to the far-left, and they have every right to revel in the pain and misery this is now causing my family. To my fellow bloggers at Lifelike Pundits, I pray you accept my apology and humbly offer my resignation, fearing my non-disclosures may have done you all great harm in the future.
Sincerely,
ProfShade
Posted by ProfShade at 10:59 AM | Comments (14) | TrackBack
Politically Correct Valentine's Day Gift Suggestions
Heart-shaped pita filled with organic humus
- Donation to PETA, in your lover's pet's name
- Romantic card on acid-free, 75% recycled card stock. You know, the stiff, flecked-with-dog-feces looking paper that smells like old gym socks
- Breakfast in bed: carrot juice, stone-ground, whole wheat toast, a yummy strawberry-tofu spread
- A solemn promise to buy tickets to 'Les Miserables' the next time it comes to town
Peach-scented candles, licorice-flavored body oil, DVD of 'Deep Throat'Hemp T-shirt, unscented goat milk soap and aromatic dream pillow.- Tender words, whispered lovingly: "I didn't get you anything 'cause its a commercialized, schmaltzy Hallmark gimmick. But I love you. In a non-possesive kind of way."
Posted by ProfShade at 10:11 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
Dear Miss Lonelyparts,
I'm a 'professional' woman, if you get my drift, and I'm much worried about one of my best 'lovers.' Seems ever since he was passed over for some hot-stuff award out in Hollywood he's been, 'off his feed,' so-to-speak. In the past I could count on him for four or five large every week for doing easy fluff-n-stuff, maybe 15 minutes of my time, tops, including brushing my teeth and suffering through chit-chat about how the Democratic party has lost its balls. He has a real fixation on that for some reason. That and chili-cheese burritos.
Anyway, my question to you is how can I get this guy's tripod back in order? If we don't get to a money shot here soon, I'm going to experience some serious cash flow problems.
Signed,
Cash Strapped
Dear Cash Strapped,
My guess is your lover is questioning his sexuality. This 'castrated' party fixation is a projection of his own lack of virility. Does he lash out at authority figures with irrational and delusional tirades? Has he taken a sudden interest in his appearance? Has he given up counting votes in Ohio? All of these are tell-tale signs of a sexual aphasia not easily cured. Sex therapists in Kentucky have experimented with a recent technique where the subject is strapped into a dentist chair with his eyes propped open and shown 'The Passion of the Christ' in a 24-hour loop. I'm not sure this is called for in your case. As your 'lover' already has shown a penchant for Tex-Mex food, might I suggest alternating compresses of hot and cold salsa to the affected area? Even if you don't get results, you'll have a nutritious snack!
Best of Luck!
Miss Lonelyparts
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Photographic Interpretation
The Secretary General's precise yet diminutive gesture seems to indicate:
1. The amount of time the Christian minority has left in the Darfur region of the Sudan
2. The stack of money his family personally amassed from the Oil for Food bribes relative to his French handlers
3. His estimation of the intelligence of the American people
4. How close his chauffeur-driven Cadillac limousine came to ass-ending a Yellow cab during his morning commute to U.N. headquarters after breakfast in his condo overlooking Central Park
5. The amount of integrity remaining in the U.N. in cubic centimeters.
Posted by ProfShade at 10:15 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack