Comedy Break: Pardon me, but do you have any . . .
My cyber-acquaintance warlordofks passes on the following story. He might not be the story's original source, but it's still a good story.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon."
Image Credit:<
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Posted by Dodo David at 06:00 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Comedy Break: Flipper Meets Elsie
Originally posted at Dodo World.
Image Credit: VOIDSPACE
Posted by Dodo David at 06:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Why can't men use the Women's Room?
Click here for the answer.
Posted by Dodo David at 06:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
The N.O.W. Headquarters in New Orleans
[Formerly Hancock Bank]
Posted by Aaron at 02:04 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
Breaking News!
CNBC! FOXNEWS! CNN HEADLINE NEWS!
DATELINE REPORTS!
U.S. SENATOR UNHURT IN AIRCRAFT CRASH
The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator, Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in southern New Jersey because of bad weather.
National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the Senator was flying a single engine plane in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below, taken at the scene, shows the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. She was very lucky!
Posted by Aaron at 07:36 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Neal Boortz says . . .
Read "The Nancy [Pelosi] Problem" by Robert Novak.
Posted by Dodo David at 08:29 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
I Think This is Hilarious!
From the NY Post:
Posted by Pam at 10:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Gangsta Fashion Trips Up Wannabe Robber
This is hilarious. Via Breitbart:
A man suspected of stealing discs from a video store was tripped up by his baggy pants, falling twice before police captured him, authorities said.
James Green, 30, of Detroit, took about a half-dozen DVDs on Sunday night, and initially made his getaway on a bicycle, police said.
Officers spotted him in an alley, and he abandoned the bike and ran, but his pants fell to his ankles and he tripped, Ferndale Detective Sgt. Patrick Jones told The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak. "Finally, he kicked off his pants and shoes" and then jumped a fence into the backyard of a house where he was captured, Jones said.
On Monday, Green pleaded guilty to resisting arrest and retail fraud and was ordered jailed for 30 days.
It's almost as good as the guy who was caught by cops because they could see his flashing sneakers in the dark. Maybe this guy will start wearing more form-fitting pants after his stint in jail.
Posted by Pam at 02:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Headline of the Day
Put Some Ditties In Your Titties
Posted by Aaron at 03:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
You know that . . .
You know that you’ve been working with pre-schoolers too much when . . .
. . . the home page of your web browser is NickJr.com.
. . . while at McDonalds you order a Happy Meal, and you are by yourself.
. . . there are crayons where you used to keep ink pens.
. . . at night you can’t fall asleep until you look for monsters underneath your bed.
. . . you anxiously await the arrival of the next Winnie the Poo movie.
. . . at the state fair you try to get on the kiddie rides.
. . . you listen to Sesame Street songs while driving to work.
. . . at home you use bowls and plates decorated with cartoon characters.
. . . when you go to a movie theater, you ask for the child discount, and there are no children with you.
. . . you name your own children Dora and Diego, and you name your dog Blue.
Posted by Dodo David at 10:57 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Rita Inserts Herself into the Gulf
I hardly ever go to Sullivan's site anymore, but he had this amusing picture:
Posted by Aaron at 07:00 PM | Comments (0)
Bush Policies Cause Global Warming on Mars
Scientists have discovered that climate change--to be specific, global warming--is taking place on Mars.
...three Mars summers in a row, deposits of frozen carbon dioxide near Mars' south pole have shrunk from the previous year's size, suggesting a climate change in progress.
Environmental lawyer (and Kennedy dynasty minion) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was quick to call a press conference.
"We can see where this is headed. Mars' polar caps will continue to melt and all chaos will break loose there. You thought flooding in New Orleans was tragic? Think of it on a global scale. And the cause of this warming is clear: Thanks to President George W. Bush's refusal to sign the Kyoto treaty and his pandering to big business interests, this gem of a planet, named after the Roman god of war, will suffer the consequences. Bush and his friends probably thought the warming of the Earth's climate wouldn't affect other planets, but they obviously weren't thinking 'solar system-ally.' We've really got to start thinking outside the sphere."
The White House declined to comment, although White House spokesman Andy Card said Karl Rove encouraged reporters to speak to Kennedy about his theories.
Scientists say its too early to tell whether or not Earth's global warming could be having an impact on Mars' climate, but they said they could not rule anything out at this point. Standing outside his wife's Boston mansion, Senator John Kerry picked up on this theme, with a few words of wisdom for the President.
"If I had been elected president, this wouldn't be happening. Check out my website for my comprehensive plan on keeping Mars' climate stable for our children and their children. Leadership is not ignoring the plight of uninhabited planets. George W. Bush doesn't have what it takes to be a leader of this solar system. His insensitivity to our own environment is proving to be costly to planets other than our own. Not only is that selfish, it's un-American." Waving off questions, Kerry slipped into his family's SUV and headed for his private jet at the airport.
The Sierra Club is planning a protest outside of the White House next week. Invited notables include Arianna Huffington, who requested that a black Chevy Suburban with a full bar be sent to pick her up at Dulles International Airport.
Posted by Pam at 08:34 PM | Comments (1)
Watch Out for those Buzzing Undies
This woman got more thrills than she bargained for:
According to UK tabloid the Sun, a 33-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after wearing Ann Summers vibrating Passion Pants to her local Asda supermarket in Swansea.
Unfortunately, she became "so aroused by the 2½-inch vibrating bullet inside that she fainted" then "fell against shelves and banged her head". This prompted the attendance of the paramedics who "found the black leatherette panties still buzzing". Having disabled the orgasmatronic underwear, they then whisked the senseless shopper to hospital where she made a complete recovery. Staff handed her back the Passion Pants upon discharge, discreetly concealed in a plastic bag.
I laughed until I cried when I read about this. (I tried finding the original SUN article but was unsuccessful.)
Posted by Pam at 03:37 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
Tweaker Sex
[extreme content warning!]
With a last name like Sizemore...
...what would you expect?
Of course, this is brough to you by Ace.
Posted by Aaron at 11:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE PULPIT WHEN . . .
. . . members of your congregation skip church in order to watch Michelle Malkin on FOX News Live.
. . . on Pastor Appreciation Day, the congregation gives you a trip to the Orient, but it's for one way only.
. . . the Deacon Board forgets to include your salary in next year's church budget.
. . . the last time you preached a funeral, people mistook you for the deceased.
. . . the congregation is given No Doze tablets instead of communion wafers.
. . . the church bulletins have crossword puzzles where sermon notes are supposed to go.
. . . the local ministers association notifies you that your lifetime membership has expired.
. . . doctors prescribe tapes of your sermons as a cure for insomnia.
. . . your children tell their friends that you work for the Mafia because they are too embarrassed to say what you really do.
. . . your wife attends another church because nobody there knows who her husband is.
. . . Rodney Dangerfield gets more respect than you do, and he is dead.
. . . the church bulletins announce which Sundays that Michelle Malkin will be appearing on TV.
Michelle Malkin was scheduled to be on FOX News Live today, but she was bumped. Waaah!
Posted by Dodo David at 07:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Bad Hair Day (Humor)
Bill Cosby hosts a TV show titled "Kids Say The Darndest Things" (formerly hosted by Art Linkletter).
I need to arrange for my four-year-old son Dawson to appear on that show. He already has a talent for embarrassing me. His talent might as well be put on public display. Perhaps Dawson would be discovered by a Hollywood talent scout.
While I was blogging, Dawson climbed up on my chair and stood so that he could see the top of my head. At that moment Dawson spoke the words that every middle-aged man dreads to hear:
"No hair."
Upon hearing Dawson's words, I felt like Larry the Cucumber without his hairbrush.
For the record, both of my grandfathers had full heads of hair when they died. My father still has all of his hair, and Dawson was born with a full head of hair.
I don't need my son telling me that I am turning into Larry the Cucumber.
Does anyone know a talent scout in search of an adorable 4-year-old boy?
PS: Dawson's daddy has updated his biography to include (Gasp!) a photo of the Dodo. Click here to see it if you dare.
Posted by Dodo David at 08:31 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Yoko, oh no!
Ace cracks me up all the time. Check out his ballad:
What a stupid fucking whore
She makes Wonkette look like a saint
like Heather Graham, or someone like that.
Posted by Aaron at 06:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Quote of the Day
"I don't understand the fascination about the runaway bride. Have you seen the guy? You would run away, too."
- Stated in a television commercial for a Tulsa automobile dealership
Posted by Dodo David at 09:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Did We Really Need to Register this Sex Offender?
Um, I ran across this picture from the Corner by way of Garfield Ridge by way of Ace of Spades. He is a registered sex offender in Lucas County, Ohio. Personally, I don't believe it is real. Therefore, LET'S HAVE A CAPTION CONTEST!
Why do I think this is not real? Because the site is NOT a state site (it wouldn't be a .net site for something like a sex offender registry) and photos of offenders are always mug shots--not seated.
And yes, it did horrify me. If anyone in Ohio lives near him (map found on the website) please feel free to confirm or deny his existence.
UPDATE: Longtime friend of LLP, DoubleU, discovers that this picture has made it to the pages of snopes.com. Surprisingly, the argument is in favor of the photograph being legit.
Posted by Aaron at 07:17 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack
More Fingers in the News
Posted by Aaron at 01:11 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
Made in America: Quiz
There's a quiz on MSN's Encarta, testing your knowledge of the history of American product manufacturing.
I scored a big fat 40%.
See if you can do better!
Posted by at 02:46 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
More from the Stupid Criminals File...
Albert Massie pleaded guilty to manslaughter (still murder in my book) and assault during his interrupted robbery attempt in Queens, New York, last December.
How was he found out? He dropped an envelope at the scene of the crime.
Ooh, forensic evidence? Not exactly...the envelope had his name and address on it.
To quote the inimitable Homer Simpson: "D'oh!"
Posted by at 03:25 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Fun Quiz: What Kind of American English do YOU Speak?
I just took an online "quiz" to see what kind of American English I speak. You can take it too by clicking here.
I discovered I speak in:
70% General American English
20% Yankee
10% Upper Midwestern
0% Dixie
0% Midwestern
How do you rate?
(Hat tip: hamstermotor)
Posted by at 09:43 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack